Farewell, Starsailor


Part II

After that, according to Judy, Taylor did not go down to the beach again. He was happy when Judy and he and Maury Baker, Tim's friend and former drummer, and Michelle, Judy's sister, moved out to the San Fernando Valley for a year, losing themselves in middle-class anonymity. And when they moved into a small house on Keith Street in Hollywood, Taylor felt pleased with that, too. Inland territory felt better than the beach.

Nearly two years passed, but Taylor did not cry over Tim's loss, Judy said. Unexpressed sorrow roiled within him, unseen, unheard. He had not confronted the unalterable fact of Tim's death. He had not confronted himself.

One evening his mother suggested they dine out. "Maybe we could have a nice dinner in a restaurant before I fly back to St. Louis to visit my dad for a couple of weeks."

"Great!" Taylor responded. "Let's go to Ted's Rancho. You know, on the Coast Highway, where Timmy used to take us."

They sat by the expansive plate glass window overlooking the ocean, just as the setting sun began transforming blue sky into deep orange fire.

"You have a drink, mama. I'm going outside for a minute."

Taylor left the restaurant and climbed down the embankment among the black boulders just below the windows from where Judy watched. He sat on the sand by the shoreline and stared across the waters.

According to Judy he said aloud (perhaps telling her about it later), "I don't know why you had to go like that, Timmy. You know I still love you. All those crazy people tried to make a carnival out of everything, but now you're safe. You were great, Timmy. You were the greatest nut I've ever known."

Tears ran down Taylor's cheeks, red-orange in setting sun. Gentle waves washed among rocks. Quiet waters glistened orange in evening light.

Taylor hit his leg with his fist, just above the knee, slowly and rhythmically pounding as he spoke to Tim.

"I don't know what I can do to be as strong as you were, but I'll try." He pounded his leg harder. "God damn it, I remember you, Timmy. I love you. I know what you tried to do. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God damn it!"

He knelt on the wet sand, his head bent, letting the pain rush out of him like a flock of birds.

"Dear Jesus God, you're gone forever, Tim, but I won't forget you. I'll start where you left off. I'll follow in your footsteps. I'll fight free, Tim, you just wait and see. You wait, Tim, and watch me grow."

The sun set over dark waters. Taylor arose, cheeks wet and flushed, eyes red. He trudged back up the embankment, into the restaurant.

"It's all right, ma," he said, sitting down. "Everything's okay, now." Judy handed him a tissue. "Everything's gonna be okay from now on, ma. You just watch and see."